Holidays Are Not Always Happy

Some of us hear the words “the holidays are coming” and cringe. Although these words and this time of year may be happy times for some, others are not so excited. Many people have lost a family member recently and have to try to get through their first Christmas or Hanukkah without them. Others have been living with their lost family member for many holiday seasons. Several, on the other hand, have family members living, yet there is a constraint in their relationship. In any circumstance, be aware that others aren’t feeling the same joy and happiness. Here are a few things you can do if you are someone who falls in one of these categories.

First of all, to those who have just lost a family member in the past year, my condolences. As the holidays come closer, it feels harder and harder to imagine the holidays without them. In my situation, my father lived on the east coast while my family and I live on the west coast. Even though I could not be there for many holiday celebrations, I am beginning to realize that it will be different. The memories of the ones I did have with him are coming to mind more and more. What I have learned about my feelings from Matt Kahn is to let those feelings come up and out. I let them come up and I take notice. I don’t ignore them or stuff them down to hide them somewhere.

Some of us have lived with the missing person at holidays for a while. I remember an east coast Christmas Eve when I returned home after exchanging gifts with my friend. I was a sophomore in high school.  As I walked into the house, I could already sense something was different. My father walked down the hallway in tears. Before I had a chance to ask what was wrong, he said his mom died a few hours ago in Texas where she was living. That changed many holidays to come.

When you have strained relationships with your family members, holidays are even harder. Not all families are like Norman Rockwell’s painting ‘Freedom from Want’ in 1943 depicting a wholesome loving family about to partake in a Thanksgiving meal together. Some of us have siblings that don’t acknowledge us or family members who try each year to think up something mean to do. Many of us are dodging these swings and trying to find a family in our friends.

Letting these feelings surface, feeling the pain, and letting them release out of you is probably the best advice I can share. Because we know the holiday is here, stop and recall a few real fun times you had with that person who is now gone. Review them several times so that they remain in your memory. As soon as a Christmas carol is playing on the radio or in a store, go to those fun memories. Be as present with that memory at that moment so that a smile comes to your face. Remind yourself that the person is still with you in your heart. Acknowledge the love you still have in your heart and think about how thankful you are for that person who is gone.

The memory I will have stored is the Christmas when my sister lost her baby. It was stillborn. She lost it on Christmas Eve. My parents had already arrived on the west coast for the holiday with us. The news was so heartbreaking. My dad wanted to be there with her since all family members were out in CA. But with the high price of plane tickets to go back, he decided against it. So it came time the next morning to open gifts. Because my sister knew our parents were going to be with me, she shipped presents for everyone early.

Since my second daughter was just 6 months and the other was already 2 ½ years old, I was known as mom and my presents reflected that on the tag. My husband and I proceeded to open the presents that were marked mom and dad. After the opening of gifts, we put in a call to my sister’s hospital room. We were consoling and supporting her and passing around the phone. (This was pre -iphone and speaker functions.)To my surprise she asked how mom liked her present of a musical figurine of ice skates and wondered how dad liked his maroon sweater.

At that moment, I yelled to my husband to come into the kitchen where I was on the phone. As I repeated back to my husband the gifts that were for my parents and not us, we stood there with huge eyes! My husband was standing in front of me wearing that very sweater. Instantaneously, he threw off the sweater like it was on fire. The sight of that and knowing I opened all my mom’s gifts made me laugh uncontrollably.

The best part was hearing my sister on the other end doing the same thing. Even through an unthinkable tragedy, God already had this figured out to give us a laugh at that time of sadness. It really is about having a plan for your heart. You will feel sad at times, but by pulling out those fun memories, you are arming yourself with ammunition for a holiday with peace and a bit of joy.