Parents Make Mistakes; Don’t Make This One

 

 

Parents are far from perfect although we try very hard. We all struggle with outside situations like being laid off and becoming intertwined with inside family problems such as one of our children struggling in a mainstreamed classroom. Our feelings become overwhelming because our expectations are no longer what we thought. When this happens, we feel the sun setting on our dreams and we are crushed thinking that our expectations won’t be fulfilled.

As an educator for over 16 years with 6 of them being in special education, I recall this occurring in a family and want to share this so that others don’t make the same mistake. When we give birth, that new little creature of ours on loan from Heaven looks at us and we see every dream imaginable for them. Although, as the years move on and we observe their actions, we sense that the dreams we have for them don’t exist. This is because we see the child behaving in ways that call for special learning. This doesn’t match our expectations and we panic. We begin to show our emotions.

Right away, our whole world seems to begin to crumble. Our dreams of a doctor or lawyer in the family vanish as we hear the outcome of testing at their school. The findings are that the child would achieve and grow at a better rate in a special day class rather than continue to struggle in a mainstream classroom. This news will feel devastating and our emotions will get the best of us. Our first thought may be to fight the findings and find an advocate. If this is a thought, remember that the experts and teachers at the school want the best for your child.

While you debate whether to do as the school says and admit the child into a special day class, your feelings may begin to show. This is especially true when there is a tug o’ war within the family between the parents. As the emotions show up when the school meetings keep pointing in the direction that you didn’t want to hear and want to avoid, these emotions may start to be seen by your child. It is only human to feel upset and sad, but once your feelings start showing up at home or in their presence, your child will take note.

When one of my students was being tested and the conclusion was for the child to go from a mainstream classroom to a special day class, the parents began arguing about it in front of the child. We all try to hide our arguments or at least look for a quiet place not around them to voice our concerns.

Meanwhile, the child hears the arguing, becomes involved when one parent yells out at the child to be quiet, and the child begins to relive it in class every 3-5 minutes during their school day. They become confused because they never encountered their parent telling them to be quiet in such a negative way at home. They are usually feeling safe in their home environment. What’s worse is now you’ve created this unnecessary action in your child to obsess all day over one small negative action of yours.

Being upset when the outcome is different from our expectations is allowed. Letting your emotions and negative actions become directed at the child is wrong. After my experience with children of autism and learning disabilities, I’ve learned they carry those moments with them and they bother the child to the point that they cannot go about their normal day. When the child is already having a hard time keeping up with their peers in the regular classroom, having them witness these negative emotions only affects them even more in their school day.

I have found that children on the spectrum of autism will be more inclined to answer a question such as, “Are you ok? You seem upset. Did something happen this morning to change your attitude?” These children do not hesitate to tell their true feelings to a teacher they know and trust. Unlike other students not on the spectrum, they don’t hesitate to say that their parents were yelling at them and they never saw this directed at them before. Other students who are socially aware of others around them might not be so willing to share their upset.

This child will relive this moment all day from the moment they arrive at school until the end of the day unless it is seen by the caring experts at school such as the case manager, occupational therapist or psychologist and actions are taken to help the student. What happens to this child is they can’t do the work that is in front of them. They become focused only on the yelling incident of their parent. Their concentration becomes nonexistent and there will not be any learning for them that day.

For parents who are struggling in this predicament, take time to talk to close friends or family that you can trust with your feelings. Yes, having to face the fact that your child will not be in a regular classroom will be hard, but keeping a child in an environment that does not offer them the learning capacity that they deserve is even harder for the child.

When the child is spending most of their school day with adults such as special ed teachers, speech/language pathologists and psychologists, and occupational therapists, that is a good clue that they are not experiencing a learning environment with peers and should be with them. It is more important to talk out how you feel and move away from your own feelings of failure and work towards putting your child into an environment that matches their learning and not your old expectations.

Being a parent of a child in a special day class is always hard to grasp. If you think about it, it may be why the negative feelings and yelling outbursts were happening. It may turn out that the child may only need to be in a special day class for a small amount of time. If they do stay for an extended amount of years, than this is the proper place for them. Once a student is with other students of their capabilities, they become successful and achieve their academic goals.

So what I’m trying to say is to drop your expectations of your children, let them strive in an environment that meets their needs, and enjoy every moment that you can with them. Help to motivate them by asking them about their day. Learn about the new friends they meet in the new special day class. Connect with them by using a smile and always end your conversation by telling them how proud you are of them. Whether they are gate students who are above grade level or a student below grade level but enjoying their learning environment, you are the proud parent. Your expectations may change but it is still all about what the child is interested in and how you can help them move toward their ideas. Let their visions of sunsets have all their hopes and dreams attached and not yours.

All your child wants from you is a smile, love, and a positive environment to feel safe. Their journey may need to take a different road than the road you expected but remember, it takes them to their goal. We are the guides as parents to help them down their road with the best attitude a parent can have and with the biggest smile full of love.