“What makes you comfortable can ruin you, but only in a state of discomfort can you continually grow.” ~Bill Eckstrom

A Parent’s Goal is Happiness

        Parents’ ultimate goal is making their child happy, always. Bottom line, we will do anything for them to avoid any frustration in their life. As they begin to walk and fall, we want to do it for them keeping them from feeling frustrated. As they play at the park or learn to ride their bike, we want to limit any amount of pain and suffering they feel.

        What if I told you that studies show that keeping your child/student in a state of order or comfort will prevent him/her from growth? It is already known through studies, such as University of Rochester Medical Center, that the brain doesn’t fully develop until the age of 25. Knowing this, parents should try to keep in mind that they are the guides of their child’s mind and brain. Another study using applied science is Bill Eckstrom’s concept of Complexity Rings that shows how discomfort from your ordered life can actually help you grow.

The Concept of Complexity

        Eckstrom’s concept of complexity can occur three ways: it can be forced on you, it can come from others, or it can come from yourself. An example of it forced on you can be a loss of a parent as a pre-teen or an adult losing their job. This complexity makes you live outside your comfort zone. Because we like to eat and live in a home, we immediately react to the complexity forced on us and move towards the things we need.

        A second example of complexity comes from others such as a mentor, coach, or parent.  This is where we, as parents and educators, come in. It’s up to us to help guide our child through the complexity in a way where we can be available to help when they ask. We should not tell them how to accomplish any problem. They need to do it on their own. A great example is having your child do the majority of the paperwork, essays, and research when they are entering the college search. By having your child take control of the reigns, the maturity and growth begins to surface. Letting them step out of your shadow is a bit scary, however sit back, applaud, and watch them grow.  

The third example is a way of creating the complexity on ourselves. By stepping into unchartered waters in order to begin a new career or new project, you are throwing yourself into the feeling of unfamiliar territory. It keeps us on our toes, it makes us think outside the box, and we look into other areas that we might not have had we remained where it feels safe.

Order vs. Complexity

https://youtu.be/LBvHI1awWal

        A life of order in every aspect at every minute has nothing but predictability. Within this predictability, we feel safe. Don’t get me wrong, a child’s life should have some order. That’s what keeps them feeling happy and secure. However, parents need to be careful of how much order they are creating for their child. Bill Eckstrom stated in his video, “The key to growing is living where there is a limited amount of predictability to avoid order. Letting them live in the complexity is actually the best thing we can do.” We are their training wheels in their life. Sometimes we have to take the step and announce to them that the training wheels are coming off. Letting them know that we are near to help guide is important, but we also want to send the message that it’s time for them to take off down the road and path on their own.

        During an intermission between the volleyball matches my daughter was playing one Saturday, she told me she was quitting and sprinted to our van. In the van, she cried and told her frustrations as well as stated her complexity. She stated she was going to quit, it wasn’t fair, and wasn’t going to put up with this type of behavior from someone else. As a parent, we immediately feel their pain and we want to take it away as soon as we possibly can. Yet, as a parent who want to see our child grow, we must refrain.

Inside Complexity

        After she let all her frustration out, we sat in the car. I let her sit in her feelings. Something inside me asked her if she wanted my opinion. She said yes, so I started asking her what she wanted. In the next few minutes of the conversation, we laid out her choices and let her mull them over. I didn’t show any bias towards any one position. I knew this had to come from her.

At this point in her life, she was already involved in swimming and volleyball. In swimming, she was part of a gold medal relay team of girls in Junior Olympics. By presenting her with the choices of each sport, the pros and cons of each, and the way that complexity will make its way into her life, it was now her call and her time to take control.

It was the time to let her feel the complexity that she may not always play in every match. Although her future goal was to play in college, she wasn’t sure if this was what she wanted. As she thought, she voiced how much she loved the sport of volleyball over swimming even though she was already making a splash.

The Magic of Complexity

This is where the magic happens, but parents need to see that they must let go of the control and let their child pick. Instead on taking control, the best thing to do is speak of a time when complexity came into your life and share it with your child. Telling the truth about the hard times you endured is crucial to your child in order to understand that this is a growth stage. Be sure to tell all the wonderful things you learned along the way that helped strengthen your soul and inner being.

Her mind was made up and she chose volleyball. She did turn out to be the number one recruit at Salve Regina University and was a starter as a freshman making it to their division playoffs winning 2^nd place. That’s a great achievement after knowing what happened to her in our van that Saturday. Although she was injured in sophomore and junior years, she came back to play in her senior as well as accept the volunteer position from her church to help coach volleyball in Hungary on their mission the summer of 2017.

Complexity is Growth

 When complexity comes, we are nudged to leave the sweet spot of comfort and venture out into the unknown. It is vital to explain to your child that by staying in a place of comfort is not going to help them move forward. It will only keep them in one place. Yes, when everything is in order and never changes, we know and can predict the outcome. However, leaving our child in this state of order only helps them feel safe for that short moment. Down the road, staying in predictability will help them in that short instance, but only keep them from their growth towards their success.

There is a funny commercial seen on TV which shows a grown man at a young age, about early 20’s, being pushed around in the shopping cart at a grocery store by his mom. He is definitely in his comfort zone and his mom has let him hide there from any complexity. It is hilarious to watch, but how many parents are actually raising their children and letting them stay in the place of order?

We have to remember to allow our children to feel the uncomfortable awkward feelings that go along with change. When we feel like we’re falling apart, it’s really the universe creating something big in our life. It only feels this way because we’re uncomfortable. In actuality, this awkward feeling is the path towards our success. As we model this in our lives and live by this statement in front of our children, we become the mentors that we were called on to guide these children of ours.

Complexity = Growth

Because my daughter was left in complexity with her sport, she emerged the ultimate winner. She learned to attack and take on the complex feelings, she was the one who chose her destiny, and at the end of her rainbow, she learned that all along she was put on this path to have a lasting effect on youngsters half way around the world. By sharing her adversity of standing on the sideline and injury, she showed other girls that they could attain their goals, too.

In the end, it is clear to see. Living in order all the time is predictable and has a great feeling that goes along with it. However, we will never realize our actual potential. It is by living in these moments of complexity where we find growth. Be sure to have some order in your home to create peace and tranquility, yet be sure to venture into complexity when things are starting to feel easy and predictable. Remind yourself that the awkward feeling is pointing you in the correct directions. Breathe as you see your child enter their complexity, and remember that it will help them grow to be their best.

*Special thanks to Bill Eckstrom for letting me put his video in my own words to help moms encourage their children to take that step into complexity and see that it’ll all be fine in the end. This article was written with Bill Eckstrom’s words in mind. His YouTube video, Why Comfort Can Ruin You, spoke to me as a mom and educator. https://youtu.be/LBvHI1awWal