None of us got here pain free, unbroken, or untouched by negativity. If we sit for just a few minutes to let our card catalog open and our mind shuffle through those negative moments of our past pain, the hurt, brokenness and verbal negativity would pop out.

The Gasp

 Now that we’ve only peeked at some of ours, think about your child. They have moments like these already downloaded or put in their icloud file. With social media, they may have been targeted and bullied without you even knowing.  As a parent, that brings a gasp because we know the pains of growing up at their age. Imagine our child trying to deal with this pain and hurt at theirs?

Not Easy Peasy, Worth It

Imagine you have an double ice cream cone and a scoop drops off landing on the ground. Seconds later, you’re given a replacement. You’re instantly cheered up; immediately smiling, living with a positive feeling right away. When you’re a parent, that’s what you want for your child when they lose something they were looking forward to, left out of a group, or attacked on social media. We just want to help them feel better. It’s ok to feel this way. As a parent, you can relieve your child’s pain and hurt by simply pulling out your ice cream scoop and handing it to them. That scoop is really your presence to connect to them.

Please don’t think I teach a simple easy strategy that cures all and gives the answer to all parenting dilemmas. The answer doesn’t require a parent to have a large salary, a normal functioning family background, or the latest version of everything. All you need are three things to do: Connect, Listen, Love.   

Find the Time

The one requirement you will need is time. Stopping the world each day to connect, listen, and love your child is required and not an option. If our child fell from the monkey bars and was rushed to the hospital with a broken arm, we’d stop our world. This scenario isn’t to scare you because we’ve all had a moment in our life like that, but rather to stress the importance of your time needed.

Right now, I can hear all the cogs and wheels turning as you’re trying to move scheduled items around on your daily to-do lists. Now you’re at that part of your schedule where you’re looking at all the fun things planned. Yep, in order to be the parent you want to be, you’re gonna have to cancel or reschedule a lot of your favorite things. Sacrifice is the name of the game. However, when you make the time to help your child, they become happier and healthier while your schedule starts to open up again.

Seeing the Problem

It might be connecting for you that their behavior of out bursts along with quiet isolation is trying to tell you something. Living inside this type of environment at home is like walking on egg shells. Keep in mind that as you show calm, kindness, and love, it creates a serene atmosphere. Now that you have the awareness that your child needs help with their pain and you’ve made the time, you’re probably thinking now what? Time to implement Connect, Listen, and Love! When you move through these, you may feel a bit uncomfortable, but by remembering who you’re helping will be the push you need.

Three Keys are the Solution

Connect

This is not simply finding time and place to be together in a routine manner, but now it’s time to get out of your own uncomfortable feeling and look for any way to connect heart to heart with them. This can be going out for a drink or treat, or simply spending time in the living room playing a game, looking through magazines or doing a puzzle together. By aligning your hearts and minds, only good can come. Simply asking if they’re alright or asking if they need to talk about something is a great conversation starter.

When I was a senior in high school, my father would drive me to school on Fridays. If I think back to that kindness he did for me, it was his way of trying to connect. He would go in a little late to the office so he could spend this small amount of time with me. Although I didn’t come from a family that showed their feelings with hugs and kisses, I fought through the uncomfortable feeling as he pulled up to the front of the building by saying out loud, “I loved you”, and giving him a hug. Even though he wasn’t accustomed to it, I could see the positive effect it had on him. We all want to be seen and loved. I was doing that for both of us.

Listen

 As they begin to open up, listening is very important. Mind you, connect and listen will be done differently based on the child’s age. However, older children in middle and high school may retrieve back into the young child they used to be and that’s ok. They need to be comfortable and we need to meet them in that space.

You’re going to feel the need to start talking and telling every story of how YOU were hurt but let them do the talking. Start asking questions like, “How did that make you feel” since it’s helpful to focus on emotions and not who or what someone did. The blame game and picking their side sounds like a great place to bond but by sticking to the feelings, we are teaching them that solving and decreasing pain and hurt is about coping with our feelings and not about blaming people. Asking other questions can help them open up more.  “Have you had this happen to you before? How did you deal with it then? Is there something you’d like from me?”

Yes, I know, you might not speak that way, but it is a way of guiding without being in charge. Simply reword these questions to meet your way of talking. When you’re asking to help and they request how you can help, that’s a good clue from you to tell a short story so they can make a connection.

Then there’s Love

 It can mean many things to different people. In this exercise, simply showing love with kind words, physical hugging, smiling or both, and creating an atmosphere of trust is what children seek whether elementary or high school level. Smiling goes a long way by showing you’re available to care and share love. It can put someone at ease, decrease stress, and create a feeling of happiness. The knowledge that we’re cared for and loved makes us more comfortable and allows us to heal faster.

When someone feels love, it not only decreases their stress levels and blood pressure, but can lead to a warmer feeling in the home. Since many students feel anxiety over the requirements they have to meet in class and with their friends, helping them feel loved can lower their anxious sensitivity. By creating a loving feeling in your home, it can also decrease colds because having a happier mood strengthens immune systems for everyone.

Activate Your Positive Household

Today is the time. Take small steps and start finding time and a place to bridge your heart with theirs. It’s not going to happen overnight, so don’t give up if things don’t open up immediately. By connecting, listening, and loving, you can be a parent available to help when your child needs help with the pain or hurt they’re going through. As their feelings are coming to the surface and they’re not sure how to proceed, you’re right there ready to help. Using your smile brings comfort, healing, and reminds you this is the best time spent.