Sit With It
Sit With It
Sometimes things happen in our lives that make us upset or make us think that the universe is against us. Just because we don’t get what we want, we will get what we need.
When negativity shows up or your expectations of something are not aligned with what we want, sometimes we have to sit with the emotions. We don’t necessarily have to relive them, but ask why they showed up. What are we supposed to learn from them?
After winning a partial scholarship to a Mindfulness & Education Conference in NY, I was so elated that I forgot to think about how I was going to come up with the funds for a flight and rental car. As my schedule seemed to coincide with my cousin’s, I had a place to stay during the conference, so that brought in more cheers. Next, I asked my husband to look for a flight for me. Because it’s the summer months, the price to fly back east increases. Since we still had bills to pay and my pay decreases by half in the summer, I had to face the fact that I would have to decline my wonderful scholarship for someone else to be blessed.
As I thought about losing the scholarship and opportunity, I felt the negativity wanting to take over reality. If I’m honest, I wanted the sadness to stay so I could wallow in it to have something to blame. However, I began to practice what I preach. I sat in it. I just sat in the upset of sadness from the disappointment. I let myself feel the thoughts of not being worthy of the prize, but not actually live it. As those negative thoughts came out while I sat in it, I began to give myself love by being reminded that I am special enough to have this scholarship. Right at that moment, I asked myself that important question, “What am I supposed to learn from this? Where are these feelings coming from?”
I find that once I put myself into the answer, I let everything else around me go. What I mean is I pull out taking anything personal. I do what Matt Kahn has taught me and begin by loving myself. When I start asking the questions about my feelings and what I need to learn, I am ready to allow anything to come up. I admit to anything and look for those feelings that come along with the thoughts. Because I have always had a hard time putting myself first, right away I saw myself not trying to find the money as strongly as if it was for someone else. I felt guilt for trying to make something work out for me and let the feeling of being pushy come into the mix.
Right then and there, the answers started coming out. Not with any judgment and not with any attached attitude, my mind reminded me of the check we received from my daughter’s college that she graduated from. It was her initial deposit of $500 to attend. At that moment, I realized this check came now in order to help me. There was also an amount of $250 on its way since someone anonymously paid the remainder portion of my daughter’s amount to fly to Hungary this summer on a church mission to coach volleyball. Ta-da! There it was, the money I needed to attend my conference.
When I chose to sit in it, meaning the upset and sadness of my expectations taking a little ride, I saw the big picture. By showing love to myself and letting my mind weed out the negative thoughts, I was able to see that the trip was already going to happen for me. I just needed to live with confidence, not judge myself or anyone, and allow and accept the blessing that lay in front of me. These checks and payments happened just as I received the news of the scholarship. Instead of going to my normal thoughts of, “I never get anything” and “He never finds the money for things I want”, I stopped and sat in the moment. I looked for the money and only the money. I didn’t come up with ways to put someone down because I felt my expectations weren’t being met. I didn’t blame someone else for the way I was feeling. I simply stopped and sat in it. I sat in the hurt and ended up seeing the truth. God had set it up all along. The universe already had it in motion. I just needed to avoid the negativity by not adding stories to make it bigger. I needed to ask what will I learn from all of this and do the work.
Because I didn’t think I had the strength or right to ask my husband for the money, I ended up canceling the acceptance early that morning. I did ask per email to my husband, but didn’t get a reply. I turned that into a story that he didn’t want me to go so he didn’t answer me. At that point, I cancelled it.
After I emailed the scholarship committee and called the registration office, he sent me a reply saying that I should absolutely use those checks for the trip. Now I really dug a hole for myself. If I wanted to go, I had to hurdle over the feelings of feeling humiliated about canceling too soon, and email and call back right away. I knew if I waited too long, it would be the old me letting something go because I feared going after it. I stepped out of the old way of giving up, and called back. The person at registration was so wonderful that after I shared with her my story of why I cancelled and the checks, she put me on hold and went right over to the scholarship committee to make everything right. She congratulated me and said, “We are all excited for you and can’t wait to see you next month.”
There it is. Sit in it. Sit in the pain or hurt as long as you need. Push the old you out of the way and let the truth come to the surface. Face those fears you always had about not feeling good enough and go for it. You will not be disappointed. However, you may end up receiving something special while facing your fears and conquering them. Sit in it. It’s a great place to be.
