It’s a funny thing about forgiveness, so many think it involves the one we are in conflict with. Rather in reality, it has nothing to do with them. We also believe we are the ones with the control of releasing the feelings. In fact, it isn’t up to us, but up to our heart and soul. When the feelings have been felt enough to change our hearts, they release us. Only then can we look at the circumstance without any pain.

When the Attack Comes

The attack of what someone does unto us is quite powerful. It’s powerful because of the expectations we’ve had behind our thoughts of them. The pain can become so unbearable, especially if it is created by someone we thought would never engage in such harm. It becomes twisted and entangled in hope. Because we give people in our life titles based on their closeness, we also expect them to behave in a way that matches that position. Little do we realize that we have no control over any of their actions. In our heart, we insist that there must be a good reason for the assault. In order to make their actions right with us, is something only hoped for in our head and not theirs.

Expectations Take Control

The problem is that we let our expectations act as the controller. If we expect people to act a certain way with us and then they don’t, we become upset. Because they acted differently than what we expected by way of hurting our feelings, we try to make excuses simply because of the role they play in our lives. What we need to become aware of is the fact that others don’t think the way we do and have different experiences than us. Nor do others have the same values and qualities that we behold.

Once we see through this hope we had with others, we can begin to separate from the expectations we placed on them. This doesn’t mean that we should give them a pass as they hurt us. However we do need to use our grace. By using our grace, we are reacting to their behavior the way a mother would act to their infant child. When babies cry we see that all we can do is comfort by using a calm voice and soothing movement. There will be times when these past hurts keep coming to mind and this is where the work begins.

Feeling the Pain

Feeling pain is one of the worst emotions. We usually do whatever we think of to make it go away. Sometimes the way we remove our pain is very telling. Some will use something outside of us to help it disappear such as drugs or alcohol. Others will use food to cram it down inside so the pain isn’t felt. There are some who become so busy in order to keep the pain out of their minds.

One thing we need to be aware of is our body does have a mind of its own and will do whatever necessary to empty this irritation. This is the time when our soul will begin to bring to mind this torment we felt from another. It will begin to bubble up and make itself known. As this is occurring, we’ll be wondering why this is happening at all. Since we decided to stop thinking of the agony, we’re confused to why our mind keeps throwing these moments we’d rather forget into every thought. At first we might think we’re losing it, but in reality it is our wonderful mind helping us empty this trash from our thoughts in the process of forgiving these bad memories.  

Forgiveness is For Me

I learned that forgiveness isn’t for those who did the harming, but for those who received the harm. By offering forgiveness, it is for me and does not mean their actions were ok. Forgiveness is for my well being. It is offered to me so I can end the many times I beat myself up for not being able to make it all go away. Since somewhere in my being I believe I was the reason it happened, forgiveness helps me put an end to that thought against me.

One day I was doing my normal routine of exercises which included a walk, yoga, and some stretching. During every move, I kept having these thoughts. Some were reminders of what someone did to me, and others were weird ideas I had for ways to respond. Because I had worked on these painful memories years ago, I thought they were gone because I said so. They certainly had a mind of their own.

Forgiveness Helps Release Thoughts

While I worked on these thoughts, it became apparent to me that these thoughts haven’t been released just because I said so. I believe they were pressing me so much in order to make me see them for what they were and the person for whom they truly are. For years I wanted so much to be accepted. In my upbringing, we were taught to be gracious and caring to our elders. I thought since this person was probably having a bad day, I’d give them some slack. It turned out this person must have had a bad day every time I was in their presence because I received some of the worst retaliation for simply breathing.

Really huge examples came pounding into my head. One was out doing me with a gift to my daughter. Another was a planned dinner party watching everyone receive a specially signed book as a teacher. I was excluded for working in special ed. Lastly, a dinner for family from the Midwest and side thumping me as I tried to help serve dessert. These were only a few of the thoughts that rambled through my mind. Now was the tricky part of getting this to stop.

Meditation Helps in Forgiveness

After the exercises and shower, I decided to meditate. Boy did that help. Out came tears of sadness during the soothing music. So many occurrences swept through my mind. When the tears stopped, I felt so relieved. It was like the thoughts had bubbled to the surface and had to come out. Earlier that month, I heard an idea on forgiveness. Someone in Oprah’s show said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. You give yourself permission to accept and release that what was done has been done.” That is exactly what my mind was doing.

It was helping these final hurts come up to the surface so I could see them for the last time and let them release me. In my mind, I was always hoping that things would change and I would be accepted with open arms. I kept holding on so tightly to the possibility that I might receive an apology. Actually, I had to release that hope once and for all so that I could stop breaking my heart.  

Forgiveness Brings Understanding

Once again it sounds so simple and I should have done this before, but I had to truly feel these and realize that I was the only one wanting to be accepted. I also realized that I didn’t need to be accepted in order to be ok with this family. For some reason this person didn’t like me and tried to do anything to create pain for me. However it turns out that this person was actually the one in pain. Something in their past was so painful that they needed to cause pain in others. It isn’t fair and it makes no sense, but sometimes we have to realize that we are the one to help them.

Those who are hurt do hurt others. By showing our grace and kindness during such ridiculous times is a way of helping because how we react is the answer. Finally one day this person will see that their actions are wrong. It might not happen right away and it might not happen in this lifetime, but I’d rather be the angel sent to earth to help heal than to create more hurt.

Forgiveness is an Art

Forgiveness is an art because it takes many different skills and techniques to make it work. As I looked up different meanings to forgive, one caught my eye. In one instance, it means to grant a pardon to an offense. We have to remember that the pardon is to us and our heart. We have to grant a pardon to our heart for getting upset from an untruth. It is the nature of us to take things to heart, yet it is our job to save our heart from an upset of another.

Since I wasn’t paying attention, I let a negative gesture into my being. By forgiving myself for letting that happen is a good way to start. Next, asking why the person is reaching so far to create pain is another way to help the pain rescind. When we realize that others hurt us because they are hurting, forgiveness becomes easier. Offering to forgive helps release the pain and turns our thoughts to positive. It is up to each individual to decide whether to go back into their presence. If hurt and pain is the only thing you receive, it’s not necessary to subject yourself to that behavior. All we can do is send our love to them and release our hope that it will ever be different.